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How is your to-do list looking for the next few weeks? If it's already full of obligations and tasks you've been dreading, and ramping up toward the holidays, you might need a "say no" retreat.
That's one of dozens of creative ideas in Caroline Sylge's book, How to Retreat: A Guide to Stepping Away from the Everyday to Find Space for Yourself, published this spring.
A "say no" retreat is a day to brainstorm all the things you want to say no to in your life in the coming weeks and months, she says. Then, you'll spend the last part of your day saying no to a few of those things.
Sylge, who has spent the last 30 years attending and organizing health and wellness retreats around the world, developed this exercise to help people reclaim their time.
"We often say yes for reasons that have nothing to do with what's good for us, because we feel like we should, don't want to seem difficult or fear missing out," Sylge says. "Saying 'no' is uncomfortable, but is a brave act of self-respect."
Devoting a whole day to saying "no" may seem like a wild idea, but with the holidays on the horizon, it may make room in your life for the things that matter. Here's how to do it.
Design your one-day, "say no" retreat: A suggested schedule
Before you start: Pick a day on your calendar to do your "say no" retreat. That might mean calling out of work or moving obligations. Then find a comfy place in your home to reflect.
Right when you wake up, make a list of things you want to say no to in your life. What immediately comes to mind? Name anything obvious you don't want to do. For example, coordinating a big potluck for your book club or making a complicated dish for that dinner party on Saturday.
Then eat some breakfast and get yourself into nature to give yourself some time to think about your list. Maybe take a bike ride or a walk.
After your break, come back to your designated retreat space and build on your list. Add to that initial "say no" list by thinking about your upcoming days, weeks and months. Look at your digital calendar if you need to, but make sure your notifications are turned off, Sylge writes in her book.
Review all your requests, appointments, volunteer work, scheduled phone calls, work and social commitments, and memberships.
Is there anything you've planned that you're dreading? Are there tasks you've given yourself that you don't actually have to do or even want to do?
That might be sitting at a time-consuming hair appointment, hosting a playdate at your house, traveling to spend Thanksgiving with your husband's family or moderating a panel discussion for a work event.
Jot down notes — and if you'd like, reasons why you are saying no to a task.
Take lunch, then spend the afternoon reviewing your list — and take action. It's time to start saying no. You probably won't be able to get to all the nos on your list today, but you can pick a small, easy win, Sylge says. Maybe you just cross the arduous task of planting tulip bulbs off your to-do list … forever. You can just enjoy your neighbor's tulips next spring.
Now, you'll also need to start thinking about the harder nos — the ones that involve saying no to someone you care about or work with.
Sylge says instead of saying no outright, you can try delaying your yes. For example, "I'd love to, but can we plan it for a few weeks later?" You could also suggest alternatives. Instead of cooking for your friends, could you order takeout?
Don't underestimate the power of "crafting a kind decline," Sylge says. It "takes effort, but it saves time in the long run."
More Life Kit on the art of saying "no"
How to say 'no' and stop being a people-pleaser. Constantly saying 'yes' to everything and everyone drains us of time and energy. This episode helps explain the roots of people-pleasing behaviors and how you can say no more often.
How to set boundaries with family — and stick to them. Maintaining healthy boundaries is a way of taking care of your closest relationships, but setting those boundaries with family can be hard. The process starts with asking yourself what you need.
Could you give up shopping for a year? Try the 'no-buy challenge'. The goal is to save money, cut back on overconsumption and be more mindful of wasteful and unsustainable shopping habits. This guide can help you start a challenge of your own.
5 ways to resist the urge to keep looking at your phone. So you want to spend less time on your phone. How do you do that when it's designed to suck you in? Life Kit spoke to experts in behavioral science, psychology and technology for real-world advice.
This story was edited by Clare Marie Schneider. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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